For someone who constantly shares pictures of themselves on social media, I am still a particularly private person. It’s been over a year since I spoke openly about the issues that I’ve been dealing with, but now as I have Re-launched the blog, I feel it the best time to be more open with you all and let you see into my life further than the outfits and highly edited images.
If I think about what I would like to see from people on social media, I suppose I become interested and invested in lifestyle, and the person themselves. Unfortunately for me, I find it difficult to let people in, but I do believe that it is important to realise that no matter how many “perfect” images you post online, nothing is ever perfect and that – to be exact – is where my problem started.
The root of the problem is not something I wish to discuss openly on such a public site, but ultimately I have discovered it is a control issue, which stemmed into Anxiety, Obsessive-compulsive disorder, perfectionism and an extreme fear of eating.
Its not something that you ever wish to happen, or for even sometime actually realise it is happening. It’s more something that falls down on unexpectedly.
When something comes across your body and mind so quickly it can seem like the hardest task to tackle. There are people who are afraid of dogs, heights, or aeroplanes – but often they choose to put themselves in a situation where they have to face those fears. They can also choose not to completely. When something like an eating disorder happens, you are almost afraid of yourself, afraid of your body- because ultimately it needs food to survive. Every day, every mealtime becomes a battle and you feel like you are constantly fighting yourself.
It affects all aspects of your health and at this stage last year I had so many deficiency’s including Anaemia, which of course means each day your body becomes weaker.
I took each day as it came and tried to focus on work hoping that a switch would go off in my head and suddenly I would be better. Realistically, this was much more gradual than I’d ever thought.
I started Therapy embarrassed, in fact so embarrassed that I had to go to Therapy that I asked to be transferred to a clinic a 30 minute drive from my house so that no one would recognise me. I would walk in with a cap and a parka coat on, I’m sure when I told my Therapist I worked in Fashion she thought I was mad or probably lying.
Fast forward 6 Months and I was at the clinic 10 minutes from my home in my usual ripped denims, a Blazer & Chanel espadrilles (because what else for a Scottish summer?) feeling so much happier and like myself.
So what changed? If I’m honest it was my willingness. Along with my acceptance that this had happened to me, and that only I could fix it. When you take that on I think your whole attitude towards what your battling will change.
It’s been a little over a year since I started therapy and I wanted to share some of the small things that I changed that I believe helped me along the way.
- A desire to start – without that genuine need and want to get better, you never will. It’s so important to want to change yourself and your life for YOU, not for anyone else.
- Determination and pushing yourself – Again, I’m sure you can see the theme, the work starts and ends with yourself. You have to be consistent, and keep pushing yourself, even when you have a bad day.
- Rewarding yourself – No matter what, if it’s the smallest achievement, reward yourself; buy a coffee or flowers or whatever small thing makes you happy. Every week I would go in and discuss what I done and how I was never good enough, I wanted to do more, but I was gently reminded that I had come so far and it was ok to recognise that myself.
- Change your circumstances if you are unhappy – If you feel a certain thing is making you anxious or unhappy, then try your best to change it. Whether it is taking a step away from negative people or looking at a new job, which may suit you, better, all of thing small steps will help in the long run. I changed lots of these things that made me unhappy and now I’m so glad that I did.
- SPEAK to people! The more you talk about it the easier it will be and you wont be anxious in situations anymore. The more you talk about it to those around you, the easier it will be to tell strangers and you wont have to lie anymore. Be open with yourself and the people closest to you, it’s half the battle honestly.
I am still very much in recovery and have good days and bad days, some weeks I will be great and others I will be lucky if I have one actual meal. The main thing for me has been perseverance and support, always pushing me to keep moving forward.
I felt alone for a long time, but when I wrote my last post on these issues it connected me with people in similar situations that not only helped me greatly and became wonderful friends but were also a vital part in my recovery. I hope that if you are going through anything even remotely similar in your life that this post may help you or connect you with people who can support you.
I know this has been a different post but if it helps even one person just feel less alone, then it’s been worth it. Please let me know if you would like more similar styles of posts in the future!
Have a great week!
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